“(Un)Tangled:” A Great New Book by Deb Gilman, Ph.D., on Raising Emotionally Secure Children Despite a Divorce

(Un)Tangled: 52 Co-Parenting Habits to Build Trust, Reduce Conflict, and Raise Emotionally Secure Kids After Divorce

(Un)Tangled: 52 Co-Parenting Habits by Dr. Gilman is a hands-on guide that helps divorced or divorcing parents raise emotionally secure kids. With 52 weekly lessons, it teaches parents to recognize triggers, understand the science behind their reactions, and replace harmful habits with healthier responses. Even if one parent is high-conflict, the book shows how modeling calm and consistency can protect children from the lasting harm of unresolved tension.

What the book is about:

This book is different than any other Co-Parenting book that I have read. It has a very interesting and most effective format, which I think makes it the most likely to enable parents not only read the information but implement the habits that it teaches for the long-term benefit of their children and themselves.

How often do we hear a podcast, see a video or read book and have great intentions about implementing its ideas into our lives? This is book is different because it is not just informational or suggestive but a training manual for raising emotionally secure and resilient children, particularly children whose parents have gone through a divorce.

Why is this book unique and so powerful and effective?

1. It has 52 weeks of lessons organized by topics that enable a reader can pick out a “point of pain,” and go directly to that topic or take each week one by one and learn the lessons and the techniques for developing the habits that will make those lessons become habits that will benefit the reader’s children.
2. Each chapter challenges the reader to consider a habit they have when an issue arises with their soon-to-be ex-partner or their child. Are they (the reader) triggered and react in a way that will emotionally harm their child? Have they ever considered that? It’s not always easy to be introspective, but this book enables us to be introspective by explaining, in a non-judgmental fashion, why we are reacting as we are and struggling with certain habits. Then the book sets out the science behind the habit (why we react as we do), our reactions to certain actions of our children or our ex. She teaches us to be gracious with ourselves and understand that old habits, often built on our own insecurities or emotional reactions, are hard to break, but she kindly encourages us by showing us how we can do just that.
3. Chapter structure:
   • First, Dr. Gilman teaches us the value of pinpointing a habit we have and naming it.
   • She explains why it matters.
   • She cites examples and stories about the habit so we can better understand and see it.
   • She explains the science behind the habit, such a an “amygdala hijack,” where we feel threatened (either real or perceived) we go into our fight or flight reaction without the assistance of our pre-frontal cortex, which is the section of our brains that is “responsible for impulse control and empathy.
   • Then she offers a way to “do it better,” such as when we encounter a hostile reaction in person, over the phone or by email. In this portion of each paragraph, Dr. Gilman offers us examples of how , even in the moment when we’d normally react less than ideally, we can take a breath and go to our “better angels,” so to speak, for the benefit of our children, modeling how to handle conflict, which are skills our children will learn by our words and actions and which they will use for the rest of their lives.
   • Finally, Dr. Gilman explains why managing our own emotions, even if we have a high conflict “other parent,” (who has no interest in co-parenting), our actions can result in a Co-Parenting Win for our children.
4. Why is the Science behind these habits critical to our changing our reactions? Throughout the book, Dr. Gilman explains, and backs her explanations and analysis up with science, studies and data from experts in the field of conflict resolution, psychology and human nature. Having that information will help us understand why we react as we do, why it is important to understand what we are doing that could adversely affect our children, and with that information, how we can then change our reactions, which will change our children’s childhood experience for the better, even in the face of a divorce.
5. At the end of chapter, Dr. Gilman provides a “Companion Worksheet.” For example, after the second chapter, there is a companion worksheet on “Identifying Emotional Triggers,” in which she walks us through questions that can transform our parenting, which could take months or years in therapy to accomplish. After Chapter 2, here is an example of the how she walks us through the therapeutic exercise:
   • “Describe the Moment”
   • “Spot the Trigger,”
   • “Figure out what was the Story in Our Head?”
   • “Name the Feeling”
   • “What Might Help Your Respond instead of React?”
6. Then, at the end of the worksheet in Chapter 2, Dr. Gilman asks, “What Do I want to Model for My Child Instead?” In this chapter, she gives a sample answer, “I want them to see that it’s okay to feel big things, but we don’t take them out on others.“

I am sure Dr. Gilman would be the first to say that this book is not a substitute for in-depth therapeutic work, but some parents not have the money or resources to engage in traditional therapy. This may even prompt some parents to engage their own therapist to work more in-depth on these concepts, but in the meantime and for parents who do not have the resources for a therapist of their own, this book is a great resource for parents on ways to manage themselves in stressful situations that give their children a better overall childhood experience.

Dr. Gilman says what most professionals in Family Law work know: “The most damaging thing isn’t the divorce, but the chronic exposure to unresolved adult tension.”

I could write so much more on how Dr. Gilman helps us recognize that we might be and therefore NOT use our child as our therapist or cause them to feel insecure because of our reactions to what their other parent says or does something. That sounds straightforward–what parent would do that, right? Most parents certainly would not if they realized how they react, what they say and do would possibly harm their children for life. As Maya Angelou says, “If we knew better, we’d do better.” Dr. Gilman has given us a great gift, a manual on HOW TO DO better for the benefit of our children, even if we don’t have the cooperating from our child’s other parent. Maybe that’s the best part of this book–the understanding that, even if there is one high conflict parent in a child’s life, if the other parent models curiosity, emotional calm, and consistency, that child, and in almost all cases, that child will grow up emotionally secure and resilient.

I am now urging every Family Law client I have, even those with adult children, to read this book and practice what it teaches us. At the end of the book, Dr. Gilman offers us what she calls a reflection prompt: “Years from now, when your child tells the story of their childhood…What do you hope they will say about you? This is a book for all parents, grandparents and any adult who has children in their lives.

Listen to Camille’s discussion with Deb about her book on The Respectful Divorce Podcast