Rosalind Sedacca is a certified divorce coach and founder of the “Child-Centered Divorce Network.” Lisa Decker is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and the CEO and innovative mastermind behind several helpful, divorce-related sites including Divorce Money Matters and www.DivorceTownUSA.com. Lisa has previously been featured in a blog on this website, entitled: “How you Begin Your Divorce is Likely How You Will End It.” Lisa and Rosalind had a conversation about what a “Child-Centered Divorce” can and should look like. Rosalind describes that after her own divorce, she worried about the long-term affect it would on her son. As an adult, her son’s thanking her for the way she and his father handled their divorce in a positive way gave her a huge sigh of relief and was what gave her the idea for helping others learn how to have a “Child-Centered Divorce”. Here are some of the highlights of a videocast with Rosalind Sedacca and Lisa Decker about “How to Have a Child-Centered Divorce.”
Mistakes Divorcing or Divorced Parents Often Make:
- Fighting around the children, whether in front of or in the hearing of the children.
- Bad-mouthing one another in front of the children or to the children.
- Don’t share adult information with the children, even with teens, because their brains are not fully developed (ask Rosalind about not sharing too much even with them if they are grown–Carol’s book)–they cannot “undo” the information that they take it–it turns them into little adults, which is harmful–it is robbing your children of their childhood, their innocence–they are not equipped to take on the parenting of the parents.
- Don’t make your children be your messenger–it’s much healthier to use online messaging apps
- Don’t make your child yoru confidant–don’t share with them your pain–you shoudl talk to coach or therapist about your issues–don’t let your children be burdened with the huge emotional task of helping you through this.
Things You Can Do to Have a Child-Centered Divorce:
- Be willing to apologize–Mommy/Daddy made a mistake: “I wish I had not done it that way, and I will try to do better.”
- Pick your battles carefully–your ex may be doing things differently than you do, but don’t get into the way the other parent parents your child. It’s normal and natural to be judgmental, but pick your battles carefully, and only stand up for things involving your child’s health or morality. If you fight about everything, then it will weaken your position. Learn how to “let go.” We cannot control everything in life. This is going to be a process, including you and your ex probably finding another partner, which can make life even more complicated, and if you are struggling with everything, you are going to make it much harder.
- Learn communication techniques–learn how to communicate effectively–learn what to say and when to say it. If you are not sure and need help, there are professionals and resources out there to help you.
- Co-parenting is a lifelong experience: the more you are cooperative, the more cooperation you will likely get in return. Childhood is difficult enough as it is–we shouldn’t add additional issues for them to deal with.
- Ask yourself: would I still be making the same decision if my child’s other parent and I were still married? When you are focused on hurting your ex, you are hurting your children. Keep your co-parenting as ‘clean’ as possible.
You are a parent first and an ex spouse second. Children are watching and eventually they will grow up and let you know how you did, including thanking you or holding you accountable.
Gifts You Can Give To Your Children:
- The gift of allowing them to love both parents (and their extended family), and
- The gift of allowing them to be loved by both parents (and their extended family).
- The gift of telling them and show them that you are and will still be a family. Remember, you will need to attend joyous events together and sadly sometimes you will both be present for sad events. Lisa Decker described how, because her grandparents divorced, she did not know half of her family until she was in her 50’s and the loss that that was for her.
You have the power to Give Your Child the Happy Ending They Deserve.
