Resilience is defined in the New Oxford Dictionary as “…the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties; toughness, to spring back, elasticity.”
As parents and as a society, we all want resilient children, don’t we? But saying it and having a way to give them the greatest chance of building resilience takes more than aspirations. In the article Eighteen Ways to Build a Resilient Child, Dr. Justin Coulson, a parenting teacher, researcher, author and speaker, sets out specific ways that will increase the chances of achieving that goal for our children. This is not a new study; it was done nearly 10 years ago, but its findings are universal and timeless. In this article, published in The Institute for Family Studies, referenced the study by Andrew Fuller, a well-known adolescent and child psychologist in Australia.
The study found that, “The children who were most resilient almost universally agreed with two statements that children with the lowest resilience disagreed with. They were:
- I have a parent who cares about me
- I have a parent who listens to me
Dr. Coulson challenges us all to ask ourselves if the children in our lives were asked these questions, would their answers bode well for us?
Here is the list; the author says there is one technique for each year of the child’s life until they are 18 years old. I commend this entire article to you, but I am providing this list from the article as a quick reference for posting somewhere that will remind us every day of what our children need:
- Stop saying ‘I’m busy
- Turn off your smartphone
- Turn off screens
- Make eye contact
- Listen
- Bedtime is best
- Give hugs and touch them
- Stay calm
- One-on-one time is crucial
- Smile
- Make time to do nothing
- Respond to challenging behavior with maturity
- Leave love notes
- Offer autonomy
- Get down on the floor with them and play
- Save their presents
- Tell them you love them
- Show them you love them
As parents, and any adult, whether it’s a teacher, friend or other relative, we should post this article somewhere that will enable and remind us to read it every day and take it to heart. It is a very simple formula to well-adjusted children, and while no one can do it perfectly, just making the effort would be worth it. I will also commend Dr. Deborah Gilman’s recently published book, “(Un)Tangled: 52 Co-Parenting Habits to Build Trust, Reduce Conflict, and Raise Emotionally Secure Kids After Divorce.” Emotionally Secure Kids seems to me to be a synonym for resilience. Especially after divorce, the techniques set out in the article referenced above are even more important, and what Dr. Gilman gives us is even more ways to implement and expound on those techniques, even if it only happens in one of the child’s parents’ homes.
If you or a friend or family member want to know more about Collaborative Divorce, please contact me at www.milner-law.com, by email at camille@milner-law.com, or by phone at 940-383-2674.
