Holidays are great, but nearly always stressful: getting the plans worked out, getting the food worked out, and interpersonal relationships are just a few of the reasons the holidays can be stressful. For couples, families and children who have experienced divorce, especially the first year or two, this stress can be particularly high.
Try to keep in mind, this is hard for everyone involved: being sensitive to that and being compassionate and willing to compromise can be very helpful. Here are some suggestions for helping your family manage the holidays and begin building a positive feeling around holidays, even if you are divorced:
Keep your CHILDREN’s FEELINGS front and center
mindfully schedule and think through how to handle the holidays, hopefully in cooperation with your co-parent. If you are at the beginning of or in the process of a divorce, this can be particularly challenging. If you already have a Temporary Order, a final Decree or you are able to be cooperative with your co-parent, managing your children’s (and your) expectations will be easier. Some orders rotate, even and odd years to one one parent for the full Thanksgiving holiday; others have a split Thanksgiving holiday, where one parent has a portion of the holiday week, until say, 2:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving and then the other parent has the children the rest of the Thanksgiving holiday, then reversing those times the next year. The Christmas vacation period is usually similarly divided, with one parent having the first part of the Christmas break in one year and the other parent having the first part of the Christmas break in the next year, and the other old parent having the other portion of the Christmas holiday. IF your co-parent wants to make an adjustment to this, after consulting with your attorney, consider making minor adjustments for the sake of modeling cooperating for your children and for the sake of a good relationship with your co-parent. One day it may be you needing an adjustment and if there is a pattern of cooperating between you and your co-parent, that will serve all involved.
Prepare YOUR CHILDREN for the changes
talk to your children about what the new schedule will look like. You cannot sugar coat that there will be differences by saying such things as, “It’ll be great–you’ll have two Thanksgivings and two Christmases.” Kids are smarter than that; they know instinctively that these changes will not all feel positive, so you (and your ex, if you can work together) need to plan for how to be honest with your children about that. If you and your ex can even work together and with a counselor to develop a script to have a plan for how to prepare the children, that would be ideal. If the children know what to expect, they can be prepared and be better able to adapt to the changes. This, as I have said in other blogs, is one of the greatest teaching moments for you as parents: let your children know there will be changes all though life, that change is normal and that this one is just one of many they will experience in life. Help them understand that change is not necessarily bad–it is just something we all need to learn to adapt to, and that you and their other parent are there to help them do that.
LET YOUR CHILDREN BE HAPPY with both parents and families
it is very difficult for a parent to genuinely be happy for their children to enjoy their time with your co-parent and their family, but genuinely wanting and showing your shared happiness that your child has a good holiday with every member of their family is one of the greatest gifts you can give them, far more than any material gift. Practice asking about their time with their other parent and their family with a positive response, such as, “I am so glad that you had a great time.” Don’t criticize or have a negative reaction like “I didn’t have a nice holiday without you because I missed you SO much; it is natural for you to feel envious or sad about missing that time with your child and the past holidays, but you must try to be the adult at this time. You would do ANYTHING for you child, so be mature and unselfish enough to openly share their joy and experiences with their other parent and their family.
INSIST that family members and friends not say anything negative about the other parent, the other parent’s family or put holiday tradition changes in a negative light, particularly in front of or where the children can hear or pick up on that.
Hear from other Family Law Experts: one of my favorite colleagues is Katherine Miller, a Collaborative Divorce attorney in New York. she recently shared her thoughts on this subject, and I recommend this blog she published if you’d like to hear/learn more.
If you or a friend or family member want to know more about Collaborative Divorce or litigation, please contact me at www.milner-law.com, by email at camille@milner-law.com, or by phone at 940-383-2674.
