In my family law practice, we talk about communicating and negotiating using what I call high-road techniques.
I work in the Collaborative Divorce practice with many gifted, talented, and specially trained professionals who can help families get to the other side of a divorce with compassion, respect, and privacy, restructuring their family relationships while maintaining their ability to be a family and preserving their financial estate.
I subscribe to the DivorceCare.org emails so that I can discern what this program offers in order to decide if I want to refer my friends and clients to it when they are looking for resources in a divorce. This divorce recovery program is a faith-based, and for some people, that does not meet them where they are, but the program often has such good material that I do want to share it. So, after reading the article from it today, I have decided that I will share it and let my friends and clients be the decision-makers on whether they want to read, listen, or go any further with the program. I have encountered folks who find it very helpful to have a program such as Divorce Care available at that very difficult time in their lives.
Today’s email includes the following, which is spot-on with what we try to show clients is a much more effective way to negotiate in their divorces, or for that matter in the other aspects of their life where negotiation is necessary:
Give Anger a Voice
Email #78 from www.DivorceCare.org
One healthy way to deal with anger is the assertive approach. An assertion is a positive and often forceful declaration. This is different from aggression.
Dr. Les Carter says, “There are times when somebody has violated your worth or your convictions, and you need to stand up for it. Not in a selfish way, but in a responsible way. Sometimes people ask me, ‘Do I have a right to be angry?’ I’ll say, ‘Let’s take the word right and throw it away. That implies what’s best for me and me alone. It can be a selfish word. Let’s put the word responsibility in its place and ask it again: ‘Do I have a responsibility to be angry?’ Now, many times, the answer is, no, not really. Other times the answer is, yes, it would be an act of responsibility.
“Sometimes you do need to stand up for what’s right and let someone know he or she violated your convictions. Sometimes you need to communicate in firm, unbending ways as to how you want to be respected. This can be done while also showing respect to the other person. It’s a form of anger where you’re seeking to solve problems and to preserve what’s right, and you’re trying to do so in a way that’s going to be beneficial to all.”
After practicing Family Law for over 40 years, and the last 25 in the Collaborative Divorce Process, my “take” on this post from DivorceCare.com is a little different. In the Collaborative Divorce Process, we help our couples rethink or reframe their “positions,” what they want, which is sometimes very aggressive, to what are their interests and goals, which are often very close to what their partner/spouse also wants:
- For the children to come through the divorce emotionally healthy;
- For both parties to come through the divorce financially secure and stable;
- For both parties to have a good relationship with their children, their extended family and friends; and,
- For the process to be efficient and expeditious.
We have found in the last 25 years that it is not necessary to be aggressive to protect one’s interests and promote one’s goals. Each party has an attorney and there is a shared communications coach and financial professional to help the couple/parents get through the process without destroying their relationships and finances. We work with those clients to express their feelings in a productive way to a peaceful and positive resolution. This is done through training by the professionals so that the parties can negotiate for what matters most to them and come out on the other side as effective co-parents if they have children and sometimes even friends.
If you or anyone you know is needing a divorce, please help them consider the Collaborative Divorce process. For a short book explaining the Collaborative Divorce process and other options for Dispute Resolution, please purchase, Meeting Your Interests: Collaborative Divorce and Other Options for Dispute Resolution: Clower, Christen, Jacobson, Jake, Loveless, Darcy: 9781667802022: Amazon.com: Books.
If you or a friend or family member want to know more about Collaborative Divorce or litigation, please contact me at www.milner-law.com, by email at camille@milner-law.com, or by phone at 940-383-2674.
